Jewish wisdom says that our spiritual lives center around relationships. If you are like me, you may see this as involving self and God and self and other people. Afterall, you, too, may see yourself as a spiritual child of Abraham, he was the one tasked and empowered by God that his generations would be a blessing to the nations (individuals) around them. That’s a high calling. We do need to cultivate our self- to-God and self- to-others relationships. But is there something missing here?

Ever seen a two-legged stool? Ever wanted to sit on one? Not me, I instinctively know a two-legged stool cannot stand on its own, can it? I know that its stableness depends on the legs that support it. And even if it has three legs, if they are uneven in size, the stool will be unsteady, and might even collapse.

What if the same applies to our spiritual lives?

Is there something missing in your spiritual life? I’ll tell you what was missing in mine. An often neglected third leg of the spiritual life stool is the relationship between a person and his/her own soul. God, self, and others. I have been most guilty of this neglect. I have not only abandoned my own soul, but I have starved it, abused it and shamed it to silence for far too long.

I’d like to say the reason for this is that I want to counterbalance the ‘it’s all about me’ culture we live in; that society’s obsession with ‘me, me, me’ has soured me on even giving my own self the smallest sideways glance of attention. “I rather want to be a blessing to those around me” I insist. “I only want to bring honor to God” I virtue signal.

But I can’t really blame my lack of self-love on it just being a wide swing away from the over-indulgent culture around me. No, the true reason I’ve neglected myself for so long is that I didn’t think I was worthy of love and attention, of generosity from my own heart (or anyone else's).

Everyone else is worthy. Just not me. And truth be told, because I had this belief about myself, some of the kind and generous things I would do for God and others was in order to gain favor and likability for myself because I thought that’s where I got my value and worth – in what I do for others. "Earn you keep" resounds in my childhood ears. I have to earn my worth. And, in the end, it was all about me, looking for love in all the wrong places. "If I just do this or don't do that for someone else, then I'll be worthy."

What might happen, though, if I turn a little bit of that love toward myself, as an act of gratitude to God for making such an amazing person? He doesn't make junk, right? Right!

A far better way to look at the spiritual life is this three-legged stool: God, self, and others. Pay attention to all three. Love and care for all three. Love your neighbor as yourself is only as good as how much you actually do love yourself. Do you love yourself as much as you love your neighbor? Or is this a stool out of balance, one leg shorter than the other two?

The sages of Judaism have this beautiful wisdom: “If you want to bond yourself to loving your friend, give to him for his benefit.” (Talmud, Derech Eretz Zuta 2)

There’s something about having a wide-open heart of generosity toward another that lights up regions of our brain associated with pleasure, social connection and trust. Why wouldn’t this also be true when building bonds and trust with your own soul? “Give to her for her benefit” seems like a good place to start with bonding with myself. Do you agree? What beautiful generosity this can be. Are you ready?

What is one generous act you can do for yourself today that say “I love you”?

The generous heart gives freely

  Be blessed, 

Gail